A Runners identity
Originally posted July 11, 2020
Once upon a time I was thought of as only a runner. I was completely ok with this as I had thought of myself as the same and I thought it was a good thing since I worked so hard at it. I was Adam the runner. This is common for most everyone who consistently participates in the activity of running and/or participates in racing. Unfortunately, this often times isn’t a great thing. Why, you ask? Because life happens. Injuries occur. Work gets crazy. You have a newborn. The list goes on. What happens when running is taken out of your life for whatever reason. Seriously, what might that look like for you? Who are you when you aren’t running?
If you so allow, I want to take a few moments of your time to talk about my senior track season of my collegiate career and the summer that followed. Remember that I am a runner. Have been since I started cross country as a sophomore in high school. And I was in deep. Running was my primary activity, what I thought about the most, and did the most learning of (outside of school that is). You could easily argue it was all there really was. Almost all of my friends were runners also, feeding into this depth.
I went to a freshmen entry Doctor of Physical Therapy program. This means that so long as our grades were maintained, we were already in the physical therapy program at the graduate level. These level classes began in our fourth year. Consequently, this coincides with our senior cross country and track seasons (assuming you don’t red shirt and compete an additional year). These classes did not take it up a notch, but seemingly 4 or 5! I struggled big time, but I survived the fall semester. Spring semester seemed like a different beast. The stress of these classes coupled with the self-imposed pressure to perform was too much for me. I began to not enjoy running for the first time ever! My performances showed it too. I really didn’t know what to do. Unfortunately, with me struggling so much in the classroom, I didn’t have time to figure it out either. This semester didn’t look good. I was drowning in the classroom and no longer enjoyed the one outlet I could always rely on to escape. It was looking as though I would need to pull out something huge for my last couple tests and finals. On top of that, I was starting to have a popping in my hip that was getting worse and concerning me a lot.
Tests continued to not go well despite studying harder. It seemed a miracle would need to happen to pass going into finals, in one class in particular…neuro. Almost ironic now as I love the neurological sciences now. I talk about school here a lot because it really helps set the stage for my mental state at this time. Ultimately, I made the decision to have the hard conversation with my coach that I needed to quit the team. I am so thankful about how understanding he was. I encourage all students and parents to find a coach who understands the importance of academics and the balance that is required. My coach understood I was struggling as I talked to him about it previously and recognized there was no longer a balance. This is what was needed to give me the best chance to continue in this program.
Let me be thorough in revealing all the details of the situation. There is an appeal process if for some reason you were kicked out of the program. BUT...I had used mine up already. If you’ve been following me on Instagram long enough, you may remember a post I made talking about this after passing boards. You can see it here. Looking back, I don’t think I was mature enough to take on the workload needed at that time. Boy, did I mature quickly though. Enter the bike trainer and studying nearly 24/7. Remember I was Adam the runner. An outlet was needed.
By the grace of God and my neuro professor, I managed to pass the class and live to see another semester of physical therapy school. I was excited to set this behind me for the summer and get back to running. However, I still had that serious popping when I did about anything. It didn’t hurt but concerned me to the point I was scared to run as I didn’t know what it was, what caused it, or how to fix it. I was lost and seriously struggling mentally. Without running, how can I be Adam the runner?
It’s summer! Cue the school bells ringing and papers flying. Running was a no go unfortunately so that put a damper on the summer. I was too scared as I mentioned. Something had to be done though so I began doing what I had done in the past with injuries, I biked…a lot! My longest ride and workout at the time of any discipline took place that summer. I swam a few times maybe but didn’t run. Was I content with this, absolutely not! I worked in a café inside a gym that summer also where I’d meet and talk to people all the time. It would pain me to try and explain that I am a runner who doesn’t run. It doesn’t even make sense!
Nonetheless, I did survive that summer. That’s not the lesson here though. We’re going deeper. Not only did I survive, but I began running that fall and lifting more with heavy weights which is something I had never done. Surprisingly, they felt ok! Not only that, but the more I lifted and improved my strength, the less my hip popped. Pushing the idea of heavy strength training (which is the only true strength training by the way) isn’t the lesson either. I push that plenty already.
Here, we are going deep. We’re talking about the identity of myself being Adam the runner. Why? Because that is all there was. Nothing else. No flexibility. It’s not exactly a good place to be when running isn’t in the picture. At some point we all have to loosen our grip on running. Maybe for a short period, maybe forever. Whenever it does happen, it will likely not pan out well if that is all you are and can no longer be that. Trust me! I have been there. More than once actually. It wasn’t until this summer of biking a lot that I was able to BEGIN not detaching but reframing this identity. Stepping out of the competitive team circuit was a large help. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t competitive or desired to PR anymore. I definitely continued to strive for that and still do. What it means is that I was starting to not be defined so much by that outcome.
I highlight begin because this is an ongoing process. I didn’t quite understand what was going on until my first year out of school. I had joined a private Facebook group consisting of physical therapists, chiropractors, coaches, and likely other disciplines as well that is all about learning more around running and the people that participate in it from their injuries to their performance. In that group a brilliant physical therapist from the Chicago area, Lindsey Plass, shared some interesting insight about herself on this very subject. I wasn’t trying to be Adam the runner, but Adam who enjoys running. It’s a subtle difference in words. Though the meaning and depth within them are completely different. I credit Lindsey for helping initiate that understanding. Again, this doesn’t mean I don’t train hard and strive to achieve new levels of performance. I certainly do and have since that summer! It also doesn’t mean I have this figured out. I certainly don’t. I often still struggle with this concept as I’m sure many do, Lindsey included.
Well, what I thought would be a fairly quick write up has actually taken some time to get all my thoughts out. If you’ve made it this far, I challenge you to consider this…Are you someone who is running or someone who enjoys running?
If you can relate to this at all, I would highly encourage you to work with someone who can recognize and understands this piece. It will without a doubt make a large impact on your wellbeing, running, and ultimately longevity in the sport. You can connect with me and set up an eval here.